Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Have you ever heard, “Working in this job is like eating a crap sandwich?” If you have, you’re not alone. Thanks to Barack Obama, millions of Americans are experiencing what it’s like to eat a crap sandwich. But if you’re one of the people that have a cushy D.C. job with a subsidy for Obamacare, now you too can experience the full, rich flavor that only Barack Obama can deliver. How is it possible? It’s all possible with Barack Obama’s Crap In A Jar™.

That’s right, folks! Barack Obama’s Crap In A Jar™ is the one-of-a-kind spread that’s tailor made for any type of bread. It goes on smooth and easy so it doesn’t tear the bread. It’s packed full of protein and 100% organic – none of those additives or preservatives you find in your generic jars of crap. It’s low on carbs and environmentally friendly! Moreover, the sleek jar design gives people the impression that you are a VIP!

It’s perfect for dinner parties! You’ll have all your guests talking about it. Be the life of the cocktail party and bring one as you do the D.C. circuit. Better yet, send one to your favorite Senator or Congressman. Let them know just how special they really are. Send Mitch McConnell one with a caring note on just what he can do with it.

There’s nothing better when you’re hungry, under the gun, and have to surrender to make a deal with Harry Reid. Whip it out, spread it on and voila…you’ve got an instant lunch on the go you’ll never forget! Give it to your staffers too! They’re busy hanging up on those angry, Tea Party extremists and don’t have time to take a lunch. They shouldn’t have to starve either!

Obama has spared no expense in creating the perfect spread that fits your every craving! Best of all – its taxpayer subsidized with the full faith and credit of the United States taxpayer behind it. It’ll never default! Barack Obama guarantees it! So if you’re an investor, have no fears. Barack Obama has shoveled out tons and tons of crap, and in this market, you’re sure to make a killing!

Don’t hesitate any longer! Log onto iwantmycrapnow.gov and get your jar! Join the millions of Americans that are experiencing their full bodied, rich, mouth-watering taste of the crap sandwich! You can even go bipartisan and wash it down with Two If By Tea™ And here’s a bonus: If you sign up within the next 24 hours, we’ll throw in a free subsidy for Obamacare. You can’t afford to say no! Don’t get left behind. Log on and live the experience!


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It’s halftime.  Right now Mitt Romney is trying to figure out how he got his butt kicked in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado.  He’s yelling at his campaign staff, making phone calls to his Super PAC and texting Ann Coulter so she can contort herself like a pretzel trying to explain Romneycare for the fifteenth time.

Speaking of Ann, she reminds me of a high class call girl I knew in Bangkok, whoring herself out for top dollar.  She was a dusky jewel – gave me the clap.  But that’s another story for another day.

It’s halftime in America too.  A lot of people are out of work and hurting – forced by President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to bend over and grab their ankles.

People are battered, bruised and rampant with hemorrhoids.  We’re all scared because Mitt Romney thinks he can beat Obama, and Obama’s only worry is if he’s going to make par on the back nine to finish out his day.

The people of Detroit know something about pain.  They’ve been beat over the head by the Democrat Party for over fifty years.  Now Detroit looks like downtown Baghdad.  And the people of GM know Barack Obama, punked by unions until Obama came in, took it over with his stash, and put the unions in charge.

I’ve seen a lot of downturns in my life, including the time I dated that skank, Nancy Pelosi.  Thank God for a good doctor and a prescription of Lindane cream.  I’ve seen a lot of nasty primaries too, like 2008, leaving us feeling as though we had been kicked in the nuts with John McCain as the Republican nominee.

But now it’s important to come together and unite under one conservative candidate.  It’s time to kick Obama’s ass and send the “Statist” back to Chicago.  Only one man can treat Obama like a redheaded step child during the general election.  That man is Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum can’t be knocked out in one punch, and neither can America.  This time, when we get back up, Obama is going to hear the roar of our conservative voices.  He’ll hear the roar on Super Tuesday when Rick Santorum takes state after state.  He’ll see the poll numbers as Santorum’s conservative ranks swell.

And on Election Day in November, Rick Santorum will make our day when he sticks his foot so far up Obama’s ass, he’ll taste Rick’s special made, high-gloss Kiwi shoe polish.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  Are you ready to kick Obama’s ass?

Concept by Clint Eastwood and Rush Limbaugh

“Contort herself” and “Statist”  by Mark Levin

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Washington, D.C. – In a press conference at the Rose Garden, President Obama laid out his bold, new plan for NASA and for America in an attempt to one-up Newt Gingrich after his recent comments on the new “moon base.”  President Obama suggested that he has much bigger plans than former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

President Obama noted by 2013 he would “colonize Uranus.”  “I know everyone says Newt Gingrich is a big idea guy,” remarked Obama, “but no one has bigger ideas than I do.  That’s why I have plans to fully colonize Uranus by 2013.”

President Obama went on to claim that there was no better President of the United States in American history that would be able to “accomplish the task of colonizing Uranus” than he.  “We can colonize Uranus by 2013,” declared Obama.  “Yes, we can!”

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I am a big fan of Michele Bachmann, and I supported her candidacy for President of the United States.  When she dropped out, I was forced to survey the field.  I immediately ruled out Mitt Romney and Ron Paul – neither of which are conservatives.  That left me with three people:  Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum.  But who would I vote for when the primary came to my state?

I knew of Newt Gingrich’s record in the U.S. House of Representatives and Rick Perry’s record in Texas, but all I knew about Rick Santorum was that he was a solid social conservative.  But where did that leave him on fiscal affairs?  So that meant doing research – listening to hours and hours of You Tube clips from the candidate and reading everything I could get on his policy positions and voting record.  What it didn’t mean was surfing the internet for other people’s opinion on the candidates.  I could get all of that I wanted in the mainstream media and none of those were good opinions.

After tons of research – and I’m still learning more – I’ve settled on Rick Santorum.  There were things that I wasn’t happy about, but that went for all three candidates.  What impressed me the most about Santorum was his discipline to stay cool and not go off half-cocked, resulting unfortunately in the label that he’s not a “fighter,” or someone that’s akin to “milk toast.”  I, on the other hand, see this as prudence – an important virtue that’s needed in the President of the United States.

For Santorum is most definitely a fighter.  When he speaks, his passion for the country emerges profoundly, and he is undoubtedly concerned for the future of America.  Nothing shows this more than his endorsement of Arlen Specter.  His prudence, his loyalty and his concern for America come through in this endorsement.  I knew that he endorsed Specter to insure he helped push through the nominations of both Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito.  But there was another side of the story that I didn’t know.  And luckily, I stumbled onto the piece written by Michael Barone.

The piece, titled, Why did Santorum endorse Specter in 2004, was a piece that filled in the details of the Roberts and Alito nominations to the U.S. Supreme Court.  It also told another story of Santorum’s U.S. Senate run in 1994 in Pennsylvania against Democratic Senator Harris Wofford.

On the election Barone wrote, “In 1994, when two-term Congressman Rick Santorum was running against incumbent (chosen in a 1991 special election) Democratic Senator Harris Wofford, his campaign was in the doldrums, even in a heavily Republican year. Wofford was an attractive candidate, with a long history going back to his work as liaison between John Kennedy’s campaign and the civil rights movement, and his early advocacy of what became the Peace Corps. He was and is a very nice man, and when it came to the point that his campaign had need of the services of people who weren’t necessarily very nice he had the very effective team of James Carville, Paul Begala and Bob Shrum.”

Barone continued his story, writing this, “Santorum was in trouble, and Arlen Specter came to his rescue. I remember visiting the Santorum headquarters in Philadelphia that fall, where it was apparent that Specter operatives had taken over the campaign and were running it very effectively indeed. Santorum won 49%-47%–better, he can point out, than any Republican presidential candidate has done in Pennsylvania since 1988, but a nail biter nonetheless. Specter knew that Santorum would be a much more conservative senator than he was, and he surely knew that senators from the same state and of the same party often have difficult and sometimes poisonous relationships. Wofford was a guy he could live with.  Nonetheless he pitched in and went all out for Santorum.”

Barone concludes, writing, “In those circumstances, it would have been gross ingratitude for Santorum to have endorsed Toomey in 2004. He owed Arlen Specter. And of course he knew that if Specter was renominated and (what in that case was inevitable) reelected after Santorum endorsed Toomey, Santorum would have had no end of trouble from his never forgetful senior colleague. Santorum may have agonized somewhat over endorsing Specter, but in the end it was a no brainer for a man who at that time had reason to think that he had many decades ahead of him as a senator from Pennsylvania and that he owed that in very large part to Arlen Specter.”

This is where Santorum shows his prudence.  I don’t think he agonized somewhat over endorsing Specter.  I think he agonized a great deal endorsing specter – even at the insistence from his wife not to support Specter.  Nevertheless, his prudence to support Specter was a brilliant move to help insure that the nominations of Justices Roberts and Alito were pushed through.  It shows that he has the ability to reason, even if it means sinking his own campaign in 2006.

The other point this demonstrates is Santorum’s loyalty, his gratitude and his love for America.  The mere fact that Santorum could’ve chosen to endorse Pat Toomey but didn’t is a statement for his loyalty and gratitude.  It’s also this loyalty which prompted him to make votes he’s not proud of making in supporting President George W. Bush.  But loyalty is a double-edged sword; it will also mean he will be loyal to the conservatives that put him in office – precisely because of both his gratitude and his love of America.

Any man that will endorse Arlen Specter in an attempt to better America is man that can have my vote.  Not because he’s a RINO, but because he did so at the peril of his own election chances and in an attempt to promote the conservative agenda.  It will be that loyalty for America and for conservatism that will come through if he’s elected President of the United States.

For his loyalty, his prudence and his love of America, Rick Santorum is the right man at the right time for America – especially when there appears to be none of it from Barack Obama.

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I Shall Have Him

From Payback Pictures comes a tale of intrigue, revenge and blood thirsty politics.  The Shores of Lake Winnipesaukee is a movie that’s so dark that only political junkies will enjoy this incestuous hotbed of RINO politics.  It is the story of one Republican’s maniacal pursuit of revenge on his fellow Republican candidate – a man so driven that he is willing to derail his candidacy for the sake of eliminating the competition.  If you liked Santorum Spanked The Establishment, you’ll love The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.


Newt Gingrich as the betrayed Republican candidate out to destroy his opponent:  “I have a name for my pain and his name is Mitt Romney.  He tempts me and I shall have him.  I’ll chase him around New Hampshire, around the Earth, around Uranus, around the rings of Jupiter before I give him up.”

Also starring:

Mitt Romney, playing the establishment, ‘who me,’ candidate:  “Karl Rove says an election is like a Super Pac.  When you have one, you never know what you’re going to get.”

Karl Rove as the establishment political operative who’ll do anything to get his boy across the finish line:  “Now you understand.  No matter who gets hurt, no matter whose career is derailed, no matter how many votes come in, I’ll always come up with a few more, Santorum.”

Rick Santorum as the conservative candidate who gets his first colonoscopy:  “I thought the media was supposed to use anesthesia for this.”

Special guest appearances by:

Michael Tanner, playing the Romney-supporting National Review columnist:  “Hold still, Senator Santorum.  I could rupture something.”

Megyn Kelly as the ticked off FOX News anchor:  “What the hell is going on out there in Iowa?  Why don’t we have the results yet?  You know how long it takes to get in this makeup?  What is this whole truck driving from Ames crap?  This is all bullshit!”

Bret Baier, playing the FOX News anchor incapable of even adding with a calculator:  “If Mitt Romney has 10,425 votes and Rick Santorum has 10,424 votes the difference is?  Damn it.  I screwed it up again.  If another person asks me to do math on this set, I fucking quit.  You understand?”

And Barack Obama as the Marxist incumbent:  “Karl Rove has learned much from Florida 2000.”

If you enjoyed watching Brokered Convention, you’ll have orgasmic tears of joy watching The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Concept by Rush Limbaugh

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Pizza for Two in Chicago:  $20

An Eight-ball of Cocaine on a night out with Larry Sinclair:  $150

Limousine rental for one night:  $1,000

A BJ in the Downtown Hotel:  $300

An all guy orgy in the White House when Michele’s off in Paris:  Priceless

A bottle of Chteau Margaux 1995 watching Michele try to squeeze her fat ass into a size 10:  $402

School supplies for Sasha and Malia:  $250

2 bags of Orijen™ Adult Fomula for Bo:  $80

Watching the sun come up in Oahu at the taxpayers’ expense:  Priceless

When Michele Obama’s away, Barack uses cash.  But for everything else, there’s the U.S. taxpayer

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With all of the talk of Ron Paul’s foreign policy, we wanted to know what is the most dangerous threat to the United States today.  As usual, we go to the finest gathering of conservatives minds found on the internet.  We go to Free Republic.  We would love to know if Iran is the greatest threat.  Is China the greatest threat?  Is Barack Obama and the Democrat Party the greatest threat?  Or is it the Republican Establishment that’s the greatest threat? With all of the conservative minds on Free Republic, it’s a foregone conclusion that we’ll get the answer that will insure ailing American woes in the future.  Once we identify the problem, the solution will soon present itself.  So, what do you say?


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