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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Have you ever heard, “Working in this job is like eating a crap sandwich?” If you have, you’re not alone. Thanks to Barack Obama, millions of Americans are experiencing what it’s like to eat a crap sandwich. But if you’re one of the people that have a cushy D.C. job with a subsidy for Obamacare, now you too can experience the full, rich flavor that only Barack Obama can deliver. How is it possible? It’s all possible with Barack Obama’s Crap In A Jar™.

That’s right, folks! Barack Obama’s Crap In A Jar™ is the one-of-a-kind spread that’s tailor made for any type of bread. It goes on smooth and easy so it doesn’t tear the bread. It’s packed full of protein and 100% organic – none of those additives or preservatives you find in your generic jars of crap. It’s low on carbs and environmentally friendly! Moreover, the sleek jar design gives people the impression that you are a VIP!

It’s perfect for dinner parties! You’ll have all your guests talking about it. Be the life of the cocktail party and bring one as you do the D.C. circuit. Better yet, send one to your favorite Senator or Congressman. Let them know just how special they really are. Send Mitch McConnell one with a caring note on just what he can do with it.

There’s nothing better when you’re hungry, under the gun, and have to surrender to make a deal with Harry Reid. Whip it out, spread it on and voila…you’ve got an instant lunch on the go you’ll never forget! Give it to your staffers too! They’re busy hanging up on those angry, Tea Party extremists and don’t have time to take a lunch. They shouldn’t have to starve either!

Obama has spared no expense in creating the perfect spread that fits your every craving! Best of all – its taxpayer subsidized with the full faith and credit of the United States taxpayer behind it. It’ll never default! Barack Obama guarantees it! So if you’re an investor, have no fears. Barack Obama has shoveled out tons and tons of crap, and in this market, you’re sure to make a killing!

Don’t hesitate any longer! Log onto iwantmycrapnow.gov and get your jar! Join the millions of Americans that are experiencing their full bodied, rich, mouth-watering taste of the crap sandwich! You can even go bipartisan and wash it down with Two If By Tea™ And here’s a bonus: If you sign up within the next 24 hours, we’ll throw in a free subsidy for Obamacare. You can’t afford to say no! Don’t get left behind. Log on and live the experience!

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It’s halftime.  Right now Mitt Romney is trying to figure out how he got his butt kicked in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado.  He’s yelling at his campaign staff, making phone calls to his Super PAC and texting Ann Coulter so she can contort herself like a pretzel trying to explain Romneycare for the fifteenth time.

Speaking of Ann, she reminds me of a high class call girl I knew in Bangkok, whoring herself out for top dollar.  She was a dusky jewel – gave me the clap.  But that’s another story for another day.

It’s halftime in America too.  A lot of people are out of work and hurting – forced by President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to bend over and grab their ankles.

People are battered, bruised and rampant with hemorrhoids.  We’re all scared because Mitt Romney thinks he can beat Obama, and Obama’s only worry is if he’s going to make par on the back nine to finish out his day.

The people of Detroit know something about pain.  They’ve been beat over the head by the Democrat Party for over fifty years.  Now Detroit looks like downtown Baghdad.  And the people of GM know Barack Obama, punked by unions until Obama came in, took it over with his stash, and put the unions in charge.

I’ve seen a lot of downturns in my life, including the time I dated that skank, Nancy Pelosi.  Thank God for a good doctor and a prescription of Lindane cream.  I’ve seen a lot of nasty primaries too, like 2008, leaving us feeling as though we had been kicked in the nuts with John McCain as the Republican nominee.

But now it’s important to come together and unite under one conservative candidate.  It’s time to kick Obama’s ass and send the “Statist” back to Chicago.  Only one man can treat Obama like a redheaded step child during the general election.  That man is Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum can’t be knocked out in one punch, and neither can America.  This time, when we get back up, Obama is going to hear the roar of our conservative voices.  He’ll hear the roar on Super Tuesday when Rick Santorum takes state after state.  He’ll see the poll numbers as Santorum’s conservative ranks swell.

And on Election Day in November, Rick Santorum will make our day when he sticks his foot so far up Obama’s ass, he’ll taste Rick’s special made, high-gloss Kiwi shoe polish.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  Are you ready to kick Obama’s ass?

Concept by Clint Eastwood and Rush Limbaugh

“Contort herself” and “Statist”  by Mark Levin

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Washington, D.C. – In a press conference at the Rose Garden, President Obama laid out his bold, new plan for NASA and for America in an attempt to one-up Newt Gingrich after his recent comments on the new “moon base.”  President Obama suggested that he has much bigger plans than former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

President Obama noted by 2013 he would “colonize Uranus.”  “I know everyone says Newt Gingrich is a big idea guy,” remarked Obama, “but no one has bigger ideas than I do.  That’s why I have plans to fully colonize Uranus by 2013.”

President Obama went on to claim that there was no better President of the United States in American history that would be able to “accomplish the task of colonizing Uranus” than he.  “We can colonize Uranus by 2013,” declared Obama.  “Yes, we can!”

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At the Right Elective Decisions, we have hereby names “Yes, I Know (Nobody’s Perfect)” by Kiss the official Newt Gingrich campaign song.  It’s a great song, but it fits Newt Gingrich to a tee.  So kick back and enjoy Newt’s salue from Kiss:

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Are you a conservative man?  Does every news story on the Republican primaries cause inexplicable knee jerk reactions?  Are you beginning the long, painful symptoms of carpal tunnel from commenting too much on political forums?  Are you having panic attacks at the thought of a Mitt Romney victory in South Carolina?  Have the words, “Santorum has got to drop out…he’s splitting the conservative vote,” or “it’s finished,” become part of your everyday lexicon?

If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions, you’re likely a man that suffers from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  But you’re not alone.  Thousands of conservative men suffer from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  It occurs every four years during the Republican primary process, and can be part of the hereditary process.

Scene changes to the basement of a home with a man sitting at his computer

Dr. Marcus Gentry:  Hi, I’m Dr. Marcus Gentry and I’m here to tell you about ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  Often, conservative men suffer from this condition.  Today, science has taught us that that this syndrome is a second cousin to premature ejaculation.  It is often manifested at its peak when men have watched, read and listened to far too many news stories on the Republican primary process.  It generally resorts to screaming at the television, radio, and inserting multiple exclamation points into their online comments.

Camera zooms in on the man sitting at his computer

Gentry:  Let’s listen to Tim here.  He’s been following the primary candidates since August of 2011.

Tim:  Shut the eff up, Rush, you idiot!  Gingrich is within his rights to go Bain on Romney.  You don’t know what you’re talking about, moron!

Gentry:  As you can see, Tim is starting to exhibit those traits of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  Now let’s see what he comments on.

Tim:  Oh, God.  DeMint just said, “Romney may pull it off in South Carolina.”  This is disastrous.  It’s all over.  FUMR.  Santorum’s got to get out…he’s splitting the conservative vote.  Romney guarantees Obama.  Get out, Santorum.  Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene fades out Tim and focuses on Gentry

As you can see, Tim has lost it.  But now…science has a cure.  Here at the Withdraw Institute, we’re helping conservative men realize it isn’t over just because of a couple of primaries.  We’ve developed a patented 2-step program called Get A Grip™, and it’s guaranteed to work.  It’s a very simple system.  We supply you with a bottle of oxygen and an ass-whipping for your man.  After he’s had his ass handed to him, you administer oxygen at 15 minute intervals.  Shortly thereafter he begins to get a grip.  It’s really that simple!

Look, ladies!  If your man is one and done, then you need the Get A Grip™ patented, 2-step program.  Once he starts showing the signs of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome,’ then you need to give us a call before it’s too late.  Call us at 1-800-GET-DEEP to insure your man is never one and done again!  Keep him in the game as long as you need him!  Call now!

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I Shall Have Him

From Payback Pictures comes a tale of intrigue, revenge and blood thirsty politics.  The Shores of Lake Winnipesaukee is a movie that’s so dark that only political junkies will enjoy this incestuous hotbed of RINO politics.  It is the story of one Republican’s maniacal pursuit of revenge on his fellow Republican candidate – a man so driven that he is willing to derail his candidacy for the sake of eliminating the competition.  If you liked Santorum Spanked The Establishment, you’ll love The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Starring:

Newt Gingrich as the betrayed Republican candidate out to destroy his opponent:  “I have a name for my pain and his name is Mitt Romney.  He tempts me and I shall have him.  I’ll chase him around New Hampshire, around the Earth, around Uranus, around the rings of Jupiter before I give him up.”

Also starring:

Mitt Romney, playing the establishment, ‘who me,’ candidate:  “Karl Rove says an election is like a Super Pac.  When you have one, you never know what you’re going to get.”

Karl Rove as the establishment political operative who’ll do anything to get his boy across the finish line:  “Now you understand.  No matter who gets hurt, no matter whose career is derailed, no matter how many votes come in, I’ll always come up with a few more, Santorum.”

Rick Santorum as the conservative candidate who gets his first colonoscopy:  “I thought the media was supposed to use anesthesia for this.”

Special guest appearances by:

Michael Tanner, playing the Romney-supporting National Review columnist:  “Hold still, Senator Santorum.  I could rupture something.”

Megyn Kelly as the ticked off FOX News anchor:  “What the hell is going on out there in Iowa?  Why don’t we have the results yet?  You know how long it takes to get in this makeup?  What is this whole truck driving from Ames crap?  This is all bullshit!”

Bret Baier, playing the FOX News anchor incapable of even adding with a calculator:  “If Mitt Romney has 10,425 votes and Rick Santorum has 10,424 votes the difference is?  Damn it.  I screwed it up again.  If another person asks me to do math on this set, I fucking quit.  You understand?”

And Barack Obama as the Marxist incumbent:  “Karl Rove has learned much from Florida 2000.”

If you enjoyed watching Brokered Convention, you’ll have orgasmic tears of joy watching The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Concept by Rush Limbaugh

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Pizza for Two in Chicago:  $20

An Eight-ball of Cocaine on a night out with Larry Sinclair:  $150

Limousine rental for one night:  $1,000

A BJ in the Downtown Hotel:  $300

An all guy orgy in the White House when Michele’s off in Paris:  Priceless

A bottle of Chteau Margaux 1995 watching Michele try to squeeze her fat ass into a size 10:  $402

School supplies for Sasha and Malia:  $250

2 bags of Orijen™ Adult Fomula for Bo:  $80

Watching the sun come up in Oahu at the taxpayers’ expense:  Priceless

When Michele Obama’s away, Barack uses cash.  But for everything else, there’s the U.S. taxpayer

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