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Archive for January, 2012

Washington, D.C. – In a press conference at the Rose Garden, President Obama laid out his bold, new plan for NASA and for America in an attempt to one-up Newt Gingrich after his recent comments on the new “moon base.”  President Obama suggested that he has much bigger plans than former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

President Obama noted by 2013 he would “colonize Uranus.”  “I know everyone says Newt Gingrich is a big idea guy,” remarked Obama, “but no one has bigger ideas than I do.  That’s why I have plans to fully colonize Uranus by 2013.”

President Obama went on to claim that there was no better President of the United States in American history that would be able to “accomplish the task of colonizing Uranus” than he.  “We can colonize Uranus by 2013,” declared Obama.  “Yes, we can!”

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At the Right Elective Decisions, we have hereby names “Yes, I Know (Nobody’s Perfect)” by Kiss the official Newt Gingrich campaign song.  It’s a great song, but it fits Newt Gingrich to a tee.  So kick back and enjoy Newt’s salue from Kiss:

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I am a big fan of Michele Bachmann, and I supported her candidacy for President of the United States.  When she dropped out, I was forced to survey the field.  I immediately ruled out Mitt Romney and Ron Paul – neither of which are conservatives.  That left me with three people:  Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum.  But who would I vote for when the primary came to my state?

I knew of Newt Gingrich’s record in the U.S. House of Representatives and Rick Perry’s record in Texas, but all I knew about Rick Santorum was that he was a solid social conservative.  But where did that leave him on fiscal affairs?  So that meant doing research – listening to hours and hours of You Tube clips from the candidate and reading everything I could get on his policy positions and voting record.  What it didn’t mean was surfing the internet for other people’s opinion on the candidates.  I could get all of that I wanted in the mainstream media and none of those were good opinions.

After tons of research – and I’m still learning more – I’ve settled on Rick Santorum.  There were things that I wasn’t happy about, but that went for all three candidates.  What impressed me the most about Santorum was his discipline to stay cool and not go off half-cocked, resulting unfortunately in the label that he’s not a “fighter,” or someone that’s akin to “milk toast.”  I, on the other hand, see this as prudence – an important virtue that’s needed in the President of the United States.

For Santorum is most definitely a fighter.  When he speaks, his passion for the country emerges profoundly, and he is undoubtedly concerned for the future of America.  Nothing shows this more than his endorsement of Arlen Specter.  His prudence, his loyalty and his concern for America come through in this endorsement.  I knew that he endorsed Specter to insure he helped push through the nominations of both Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito.  But there was another side of the story that I didn’t know.  And luckily, I stumbled onto the piece written by Michael Barone.

The piece, titled, Why did Santorum endorse Specter in 2004, was a piece that filled in the details of the Roberts and Alito nominations to the U.S. Supreme Court.  It also told another story of Santorum’s U.S. Senate run in 1994 in Pennsylvania against Democratic Senator Harris Wofford.

On the election Barone wrote, “In 1994, when two-term Congressman Rick Santorum was running against incumbent (chosen in a 1991 special election) Democratic Senator Harris Wofford, his campaign was in the doldrums, even in a heavily Republican year. Wofford was an attractive candidate, with a long history going back to his work as liaison between John Kennedy’s campaign and the civil rights movement, and his early advocacy of what became the Peace Corps. He was and is a very nice man, and when it came to the point that his campaign had need of the services of people who weren’t necessarily very nice he had the very effective team of James Carville, Paul Begala and Bob Shrum.”

Barone continued his story, writing this, “Santorum was in trouble, and Arlen Specter came to his rescue. I remember visiting the Santorum headquarters in Philadelphia that fall, where it was apparent that Specter operatives had taken over the campaign and were running it very effectively indeed. Santorum won 49%-47%–better, he can point out, than any Republican presidential candidate has done in Pennsylvania since 1988, but a nail biter nonetheless. Specter knew that Santorum would be a much more conservative senator than he was, and he surely knew that senators from the same state and of the same party often have difficult and sometimes poisonous relationships. Wofford was a guy he could live with.  Nonetheless he pitched in and went all out for Santorum.”

Barone concludes, writing, “In those circumstances, it would have been gross ingratitude for Santorum to have endorsed Toomey in 2004. He owed Arlen Specter. And of course he knew that if Specter was renominated and (what in that case was inevitable) reelected after Santorum endorsed Toomey, Santorum would have had no end of trouble from his never forgetful senior colleague. Santorum may have agonized somewhat over endorsing Specter, but in the end it was a no brainer for a man who at that time had reason to think that he had many decades ahead of him as a senator from Pennsylvania and that he owed that in very large part to Arlen Specter.”

This is where Santorum shows his prudence.  I don’t think he agonized somewhat over endorsing Specter.  I think he agonized a great deal endorsing specter – even at the insistence from his wife not to support Specter.  Nevertheless, his prudence to support Specter was a brilliant move to help insure that the nominations of Justices Roberts and Alito were pushed through.  It shows that he has the ability to reason, even if it means sinking his own campaign in 2006.

The other point this demonstrates is Santorum’s loyalty, his gratitude and his love for America.  The mere fact that Santorum could’ve chosen to endorse Pat Toomey but didn’t is a statement for his loyalty and gratitude.  It’s also this loyalty which prompted him to make votes he’s not proud of making in supporting President George W. Bush.  But loyalty is a double-edged sword; it will also mean he will be loyal to the conservatives that put him in office – precisely because of both his gratitude and his love of America.

Any man that will endorse Arlen Specter in an attempt to better America is man that can have my vote.  Not because he’s a RINO, but because he did so at the peril of his own election chances and in an attempt to promote the conservative agenda.  It will be that loyalty for America and for conservatism that will come through if he’s elected President of the United States.

For his loyalty, his prudence and his love of America, Rick Santorum is the right man at the right time for America – especially when there appears to be none of it from Barack Obama.

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Are you a conservative man?  Does every news story on the Republican primaries cause inexplicable knee jerk reactions?  Are you beginning the long, painful symptoms of carpal tunnel from commenting too much on political forums?  Are you having panic attacks at the thought of a Mitt Romney victory in South Carolina?  Have the words, “Santorum has got to drop out…he’s splitting the conservative vote,” or “it’s finished,” become part of your everyday lexicon?

If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions, you’re likely a man that suffers from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  But you’re not alone.  Thousands of conservative men suffer from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  It occurs every four years during the Republican primary process, and can be part of the hereditary process.

Scene changes to the basement of a home with a man sitting at his computer

Dr. Marcus Gentry:  Hi, I’m Dr. Marcus Gentry and I’m here to tell you about ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  Often, conservative men suffer from this condition.  Today, science has taught us that that this syndrome is a second cousin to premature ejaculation.  It is often manifested at its peak when men have watched, read and listened to far too many news stories on the Republican primary process.  It generally resorts to screaming at the television, radio, and inserting multiple exclamation points into their online comments.

Camera zooms in on the man sitting at his computer

Gentry:  Let’s listen to Tim here.  He’s been following the primary candidates since August of 2011.

Tim:  Shut the eff up, Rush, you idiot!  Gingrich is within his rights to go Bain on Romney.  You don’t know what you’re talking about, moron!

Gentry:  As you can see, Tim is starting to exhibit those traits of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’  Now let’s see what he comments on.

Tim:  Oh, God.  DeMint just said, “Romney may pull it off in South Carolina.”  This is disastrous.  It’s all over.  FUMR.  Santorum’s got to get out…he’s splitting the conservative vote.  Romney guarantees Obama.  Get out, Santorum.  Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene fades out Tim and focuses on Gentry

As you can see, Tim has lost it.  But now…science has a cure.  Here at the Withdraw Institute, we’re helping conservative men realize it isn’t over just because of a couple of primaries.  We’ve developed a patented 2-step program called Get A Grip™, and it’s guaranteed to work.  It’s a very simple system.  We supply you with a bottle of oxygen and an ass-whipping for your man.  After he’s had his ass handed to him, you administer oxygen at 15 minute intervals.  Shortly thereafter he begins to get a grip.  It’s really that simple!

Look, ladies!  If your man is one and done, then you need the Get A Grip™ patented, 2-step program.  Once he starts showing the signs of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome,’ then you need to give us a call before it’s too late.  Call us at 1-800-GET-DEEP to insure your man is never one and done again!  Keep him in the game as long as you need him!  Call now!

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I Shall Have Him

From Payback Pictures comes a tale of intrigue, revenge and blood thirsty politics.  The Shores of Lake Winnipesaukee is a movie that’s so dark that only political junkies will enjoy this incestuous hotbed of RINO politics.  It is the story of one Republican’s maniacal pursuit of revenge on his fellow Republican candidate – a man so driven that he is willing to derail his candidacy for the sake of eliminating the competition.  If you liked Santorum Spanked The Establishment, you’ll love The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Starring:

Newt Gingrich as the betrayed Republican candidate out to destroy his opponent:  “I have a name for my pain and his name is Mitt Romney.  He tempts me and I shall have him.  I’ll chase him around New Hampshire, around the Earth, around Uranus, around the rings of Jupiter before I give him up.”

Also starring:

Mitt Romney, playing the establishment, ‘who me,’ candidate:  “Karl Rove says an election is like a Super Pac.  When you have one, you never know what you’re going to get.”

Karl Rove as the establishment political operative who’ll do anything to get his boy across the finish line:  “Now you understand.  No matter who gets hurt, no matter whose career is derailed, no matter how many votes come in, I’ll always come up with a few more, Santorum.”

Rick Santorum as the conservative candidate who gets his first colonoscopy:  “I thought the media was supposed to use anesthesia for this.”

Special guest appearances by:

Michael Tanner, playing the Romney-supporting National Review columnist:  “Hold still, Senator Santorum.  I could rupture something.”

Megyn Kelly as the ticked off FOX News anchor:  “What the hell is going on out there in Iowa?  Why don’t we have the results yet?  You know how long it takes to get in this makeup?  What is this whole truck driving from Ames crap?  This is all bullshit!”

Bret Baier, playing the FOX News anchor incapable of even adding with a calculator:  “If Mitt Romney has 10,425 votes and Rick Santorum has 10,424 votes the difference is?  Damn it.  I screwed it up again.  If another person asks me to do math on this set, I fucking quit.  You understand?”

And Barack Obama as the Marxist incumbent:  “Karl Rove has learned much from Florida 2000.”

If you enjoyed watching Brokered Convention, you’ll have orgasmic tears of joy watching The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Concept by Rush Limbaugh

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