Johnny Gilbert: This is Jeopardy! With your host…Aleeexxxx Truuuuubeeeekkkk!
Alex Trebek: Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. This week we’re doing something special. We’re having an Occupy Wall Street Jeopardy. That’s right. All contestants are current occupants of Zuccotti Park, and they’ve come to exhibit their brain power. So let’s meet our contestants.
Johnny Gilbert: First, there’s Joseph Bringle – an 18-year old student that attends Claremont Preparatory School in Manhattan, and has joined in the occupation to register his affirmation on Karl Marx’s dogma. Next, there’s Jacqueline Chastity, a 23-year old lesbian feminist attending NYU (New York University) who believes that the world would be a better place without men. And finally, we have Peter Wang, a fellow 22-year old NYU student that’s majoring in accounting, and understands that Wall Street’s need for greed is the reason for this apocalyptic recession.
Alex Trebek: So, Joseph, tell us a little about yourself.
Joseph: I believe – like Marx-that capitalism has to go. Wall Street is crushing this country!
Trebek: So what does your father do, Joseph?
Joseph: He has a seat on the exchange.
Trebek: Really?
Joseph: Really.
Trebek: Now there’s some thick irony.
Joseph: What are you talking about, dude?
Trebek: Jacqueline, what are you studying at NYU?
Jacqueline: Don’t effing talk to me. You should be horse whipped and then castrated.
Trebek: All right, then. Mr. Wang…how is your stay at Zuccatti Park?
Wang: Last night – after I shot-gunned, like, ten beers – we broke out the hookah and lit a few bowls, baby!
Trebek: That’s wonderful, but why are you protesting?
Wang: What protest?
Trebek: Why don’t we take a look at the categories? And they are: “The Soviet Union,” “Cuba,” “Earthworms,” “Dumpster Diving,” “Field Latrines” and “Homeless Survival Skills.” Jacqueline you get to start us off.
Jacqueline: As it should be, Trebek. I’ll take “The Soviet Union” for $100.
Trebek: And the answer is Joseph Stalin.
Jacqueline: Who is my hero? No, Stalin didn’t like lesbians. (Gives Trebek the finger) Joseph?
Joseph: Who is the President of Israel? Not even close. How about you, Mr. Wang?
Wang: What?
Trebek: The answer is Joseph Stalin. Who is he?
Wang: Oh…I know…that’s that famous beer company…right?
Trebek: No. Try the Premier of the Soviet Union from 1941 to 1953. You little communists should know this. Let’s try it again, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: Eat me, Trebek!
Trebek: O.K, feminista. How about a topic now?
Jacqueline: You can kiss my ninety-nine percent ass, Trebek!
Wang: Are we done yet?
Trebek: Sheesh! Joseph…just pick a damn topic.
Joseph: O.K, man. Don’t be an ass. Let’s try Cuba for $100.
Trebek: Finally. And the answer is: He has been the leader of their country since 1960. Yes, Jacqueline?
Jacqueline: What is you’re a douchebag, Trebek?
Trebek: Shut your pie hole, Marxist! That’s not even the name of a person. Joseph?
Joseph: Who is Donald Trump?
Trebek: For God’s sake, (throws his hands to the ceiling) Trump does real estate, jackass! I’m going to kill my effing producers. Wang?
Wang: What is I’d like a beer?
Trebek: (Pounds the podium) No, no, no. Try Fidel Castro. God in heaven! I’ll pick an effing topic! “Homeless Survival Skills” for $200. And here is the answer: If it’s 20 degrees outside and you have no coat, do you: A. Steal the laptop from your tent buddy, pawn it and buy a coat or B. Steal the laptop from your tent buddy, pawn it, buy a bottle of gin and cover up with newspaper.
Wang: This is easy. What is B? Although I’m not much of a gin drinker.
Trebek: Finally, someone gets it right. Go ahead…get your Wang on!
Wang: Let’s do “Homeless Survival Skills” for $500.
Trebek: After dumpster diving for leftover fries, you need to take a dump. Do you: A. Do it in your pants, B. Try to worm your way into the nearest Starbucks, C. Go in your tent and hope your tent buddy doesn’t notice or D. Find the nearest fountain, do it in there and combine it with a bath.
Wang: Oh, tough one. What is C?
Trebek: No. Joseph?
Joseph: I have no clue. What is B?
Trebek: No. Jacqueline?
Jacqueline: What is you’re effing sick, Trebek!
Trebek: And if you would shave your upper lip, everyone might think you’re a woman. Let me guess…you’re favorite restaurant is Taco Bell. (Laughs)
Jacqueline: I’m going to beat your ass, Trebek. (Rips off her microphone and charges Trebek’s podium.)
Trebek: Somebody get this Marxist dyke off of me! Go to commercial! (Fades out as Jacqueline is trying to strangle Trebek with his mike)
Concept by Clint N Suhks
