I don’t care what your political views are this is funny!!!! The guy in the background has figured out something is just not quite right, but obummer is oblivious.
Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category
It’s halftime. Right now Mitt Romney is trying to figure out how he got his butt kicked in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado. He’s yelling at his campaign staff, making phone calls to his Super PAC and texting Ann Coulter so she can contort herself like a pretzel trying to explain Romneycare for the fifteenth time.
Speaking of Ann, she reminds me of a high class call girl I knew in Bangkok, whoring herself out for top dollar. She was a dusky jewel – gave me the clap. But that’s another story for another day.
It’s halftime in America too. A lot of people are out of work and hurting – forced by President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to bend over and grab their ankles.
People are battered, bruised and rampant with hemorrhoids. We’re all scared because Mitt Romney thinks he can beat Obama, and Obama’s only worry is if he’s going to make par on the back nine to finish out his day.
The people of Detroit know something about pain. They’ve been beat over the head by the Democrat Party for over fifty years. Now Detroit looks like downtown Baghdad. And the people of GM know Barack Obama, punked by unions until Obama came in, took it over with his stash, and put the unions in charge.
I’ve seen a lot of downturns in my life, including the time I dated that skank, Nancy Pelosi. Thank God for a good doctor and a prescription of Lindane cream. I’ve seen a lot of nasty primaries too, like 2008, leaving us feeling as though we had been kicked in the nuts with John McCain as the Republican nominee.
But now it’s important to come together and unite under one conservative candidate. It’s time to kick Obama’s ass and send the “Statist” back to Chicago. Only one man can treat Obama like a redheaded step child during the general election. That man is Rick Santorum.
Rick Santorum can’t be knocked out in one punch, and neither can America. This time, when we get back up, Obama is going to hear the roar of our conservative voices. He’ll hear the roar on Super Tuesday when Rick Santorum takes state after state. He’ll see the poll numbers as Santorum’s conservative ranks swell.
And on Election Day in November, Rick Santorum will make our day when he sticks his foot so far up Obama’s ass, he’ll taste Rick’s special made, high-gloss Kiwi shoe polish.
Yeah, it’s halftime in America. Are you ready to kick Obama’s ass?
Concept by Clint Eastwood and Rush Limbaugh
“Contort herself” and “Statist” by Mark Levin
Washington, D.C. – In a press conference at the Rose Garden, President Obama laid out his bold, new plan for NASA and for America in an attempt to one-up Newt Gingrich after his recent comments on the new “moon base.” President Obama suggested that he has much bigger plans than former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.
President Obama noted by 2013 he would “colonize Uranus.” “I know everyone says Newt Gingrich is a big idea guy,” remarked Obama, “but no one has bigger ideas than I do. That’s why I have plans to fully colonize Uranus by 2013.”
President Obama went on to claim that there was no better President of the United States in American history that would be able to “accomplish the task of colonizing Uranus” than he. “We can colonize Uranus by 2013,” declared Obama. “Yes, we can!”
At the Right Elective Decisions, we have hereby names “Yes, I Know (Nobody’s Perfect)” by Kiss the official Newt Gingrich campaign song. It’s a great song, but it fits Newt Gingrich to a tee. So kick back and enjoy Newt’s salue from Kiss:
Are you a conservative man? Does every news story on the Republican primaries cause inexplicable knee jerk reactions? Are you beginning the long, painful symptoms of carpal tunnel from commenting too much on political forums? Are you having panic attacks at the thought of a Mitt Romney victory in South Carolina? Have the words, “Santorum has got to drop out…he’s splitting the conservative vote,” or “it’s finished,” become part of your everyday lexicon?
If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions, you’re likely a man that suffers from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’ But you’re not alone. Thousands of conservative men suffer from ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’ It occurs every four years during the Republican primary process, and can be part of the hereditary process.
Scene changes to the basement of a home with a man sitting at his computer
Dr. Marcus Gentry: Hi, I’m Dr. Marcus Gentry and I’m here to tell you about ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’ Often, conservative men suffer from this condition. Today, science has taught us that that this syndrome is a second cousin to premature ejaculation. It is often manifested at its peak when men have watched, read and listened to far too many news stories on the Republican primary process. It generally resorts to screaming at the television, radio, and inserting multiple exclamation points into their online comments.
Camera zooms in on the man sitting at his computer
Gentry: Let’s listen to Tim here. He’s been following the primary candidates since August of 2011.
Tim: Shut the eff up, Rush, you idiot! Gingrich is within his rights to go Bain on Romney. You don’t know what you’re talking about, moron!
Gentry: As you can see, Tim is starting to exhibit those traits of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome.’ Now let’s see what he comments on.
Tim: Oh, God. DeMint just said, “Romney may pull it off in South Carolina.” This is disastrous. It’s all over. FUMR. Santorum’s got to get out…he’s splitting the conservative vote. Romney guarantees Obama. Get out, Santorum. Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene fades out Tim and focuses on Gentry
As you can see, Tim has lost it. But now…science has a cure. Here at the Withdraw Institute, we’re helping conservative men realize it isn’t over just because of a couple of primaries. We’ve developed a patented 2-step program called Get A Grip™, and it’s guaranteed to work. It’s a very simple system. We supply you with a bottle of oxygen and an ass-whipping for your man. After he’s had his ass handed to him, you administer oxygen at 15 minute intervals. Shortly thereafter he begins to get a grip. It’s really that simple!
Look, ladies! If your man is one and done, then you need the Get A Grip™ patented, 2-step program. Once he starts showing the signs of ‘Premature Pull-Out Syndrome,’ then you need to give us a call before it’s too late. Call us at 1-800-GET-DEEP to insure your man is never one and done again! Keep him in the game as long as you need him! Call now!
From Payback Pictures™ comes a tale of intrigue, revenge and blood thirsty politics. The Shores of Lake Winnipesaukee is a movie that’s so dark that only political junkies will enjoy this incestuous hotbed of RINO politics. It is the story of one Republican’s maniacal pursuit of revenge on his fellow Republican candidate – a man so driven that he is willing to derail his candidacy for the sake of eliminating the competition. If you liked Santorum Spanked The Establishment, you’ll love The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.
Newt Gingrich as the betrayed Republican candidate out to destroy his opponent: “I have a name for my pain and his name is Mitt Romney. He tempts me and I shall have him. I’ll chase him around New Hampshire, around the Earth, around Uranus, around the rings of Jupiter before I give him up.”
Mitt Romney, playing the establishment, ‘who me,’ candidate: “Karl Rove says an election is like a Super Pac. When you have one, you never know what you’re going to get.”
Karl Rove as the establishment political operative who’ll do anything to get his boy across the finish line: “Now you understand. No matter who gets hurt, no matter whose career is derailed, no matter how many votes come in, I’ll always come up with a few more, Santorum.”
Rick Santorum as the conservative candidate who gets his first colonoscopy: “I thought the media was supposed to use anesthesia for this.”
Special guest appearances by:
Michael Tanner, playing the Romney-supporting National Review columnist: “Hold still, Senator Santorum. I could rupture something.”
Megyn Kelly as the ticked off FOX News anchor: “What the hell is going on out there in Iowa? Why don’t we have the results yet? You know how long it takes to get in this makeup? What is this whole truck driving from Ames crap? This is all bullshit!”
Bret Baier, playing the FOX News anchor incapable of even adding with a calculator: “If Mitt Romney has 10,425 votes and Rick Santorum has 10,424 votes the difference is? Damn it. I screwed it up again. If another person asks me to do math on this set, I fucking quit. You understand?”
And Barack Obama as the Marxist incumbent: “Karl Rove has learned much from Florida 2000.”
If you enjoyed watching Brokered Convention, you’ll have orgasmic tears of joy watching The Shores Of Lake Winnipesaukee.
Concept by Rush Limbaugh
An Eight-ball of Cocaine on a night out with Larry Sinclair: $150
Limousine rental for one night: $1,000
A BJ in the Downtown Hotel: $300
An all guy orgy in the White House when Michele’s off in Paris: Priceless
A bottle of Chteau Margaux 1995 watching Michele try to squeeze her fat ass into a size 10: $402
School supplies for Sasha and Malia: $250
2 bags of Orijen™ Adult Fomula for Bo: $80
Watching the sun come up in Oahu at the taxpayers’ expense: Priceless
When Michele Obama’s away, Barack uses cash. But for everything else, there’s the U.S. taxpayer
Are you a Democrat? Have you always wanted to live the lavish lifestyle but have no drive or desire to get it for yourself? Has your redress to the federal government – like the Occupy Wall Street crowd – left you out in the cold with a sore anus? If you’ve answered yes to all three questions, you need to learn how to acquire things the old fashioned way. You beg for it. That’s right. You need to get down on your knees and do some groveling.
And here at the School Of Seminar Begging, we teach you not only to learn how to grovel, but we teach you how to do it with panache. Our top rate instructors will show you how to ask for something without asking for it. You’ll learn the technique of artfully combining your talking points with begging while parlaying that into a new iPhone 4S, a new bed or a new computer, and at the same time, you can stick it to some rich, greedy bastard. Now what Democrat in their right mind could turn that down? Not one. And when you’ve become a master, you’ll be able to call Rush Limbaugh and get whatever you need free without ever raising any red flags. Yes, indeed, groveling is the best way to get things you don’t actually deserve without having to work for it.
The School Of Seminar Begging is the right place to go to learn all the techniques you’ll ever need to set you up for life. You’ll be instructed on how to talk to a conservative, and how to sound as if you actually believe the same things they do! You’ll pick up catch phrases such as, “Obamacare is Unconstitutional, damn it” and “Barack Obama is destroying this nation!” Or – and this is my personal favorite – “What would we do without Rush Limbaugh on the radio?” We’ll drum these techniques into you over and over and over again until you get it right.
Man playing Snerdley: The Rush Limbaugh Show
Student: Yeah, I want to speak with Rush Limbaugh.
Man playing Snerdley: About what?
Student: About healthcare as a right.
Instructor: No, no, no, damn it! That’s the healthcare bill is an abomination. You’re never going to get past Snerdley that way. And if you can’t get past Snerdley, how then are you going to ask Limbaugh for a new computer? Now do it again. And this time sound angry! Let’s go!
That tidbit is just a morsel of the training you’ll receive when you sign up for the School Of Seminar Begging. We’ll verse you on the ins and outs of the Rush Limbaugh Show. We’ll bring you up to speed on the belief system of conservatives, and we’ll even throw in a list of talk show hosts that give away things and those that don’t.
Hey, it’s okay to throw away your dignity and self-respect as long as you’re getting something out of it. At the School Of Seminar Begging we help you get that something you need.
So sign up today! And as a bonus, if you register before January 1, 2012, we’ll throw in a free audio CD on “How To Deal With Mr. Snerdley When He’s Having A Temper Tantrum.” So don’t hesitate! Give us a call and begin a new future in begging today!
School Of Seminar Begging concept by Clint N Suhks
“Will show you exactly how to ask for something without asking for it,” attributed to rwi.
With Christmas coming and so many people unemployed, we have President Obama and the Democrat Party to thank for it. For many people, Christmas is being virtually flushed down the toilet while Obama flies off to Hawaii for another vacation and more rounds of golf. But here at The Right Elective Decisions we decided to have some fun and ask Free Republic if Obama were an inanimate object, what would he be? Would he be a toilet, a urinal, a toilet brush, a Colostomy bag or what? What do you say?
Cupertino, CA – In what could be the biggest move since the invention of the newest iPhone, Apple has reached out to liberal asshats by grabbing a new spokesperson to praise their newest iPhone product the iPhone 4S. Apple has snagged none other than Alec Baldwin, fresh off his tantrum with American Airlines, to reach out to his fellow asshats.
Apple had no idea that so many asshats had purchased an iPhone 4S. It became clear when pictures started filtering in during the Occupy Wall Street movement that Apple was a well-liked commodity by the Occupy protestors. So, the company did what they thought best. They struck up a deal with someone who spoke the protestors’ language. And who better to do it than Alec Baldwin. That’s what President Han Jobbs thought.
“Our goal here,” stated President Han Jobbs “is that if I can’t satisfy you, then no one will. It appears that among idiots, our iPhone 4S is popular. So we brought in Baldwin to communicate that directly to these morons.”
Apple feels that its company wants to market itself to the largest amount of clientele. And by extending their market to include liberal asshats, it’s doing just that. The company is reminding all leftists that you can use the iPhone 4S anywhere you want – whether you’re on a plain, a train or flat out insane.
“It doesn’t matter,” reminds President Han Jobbs. “The idea here is that no matter what kind of asshat behavior you want to exhibit, the iPhone 4S is for you. Whether you’re doing shots in a bar, or defecating in a cop car, it’s for you!”